NathanBowers.com

The last thing a RAZR sees

Bottom line first, because after yesterday’s ordeal I am all about saving time:

1. Scotty rules apply: The line will take 4X longer than you think. I would have waited a week had I known this. When I got to the Apple store at 10:30am there were maybe 80 people in line. I thought, “hour and a half, tops”. Nope. If more than 15 people are ahead of you, leave and try some other day. Your time is more valuable elsewhere.
2. Have everything written down and ready to go before you reach the front of the line. This means: know which iPhone service plan you want, your current phone’s service account number and pin (my pin was my T-mobile website password), your social security number, and your email address. Once I got in the door I was out in 10 minutes because I had this info ready to go.
3. Pushing the friction of stupid business models on to customers really sucks. I can’t believe that the retail geniuses at Apple couldn’t figure out a way to better balance AT&T’s needs with those of Apple’s most dedicated customers. What century is this? If I can’t buy it on a website it’s dead to me. Only Apple can get away with “event launches”, but for me, never again.

Here’s the play by play:

What the Apple store line is like (deadly slow no matter what)

• 10:30am, Monday, July 14th - Showed up at Sherman Oaks, CA Apple store. Had been to the Glendale store with frequent partner-in-crime Doug McInnes on Saturday but the line snaked from the Apple store, through the mall, and all the way to the parking structure, so we skipped it. The guy in front of Saturday’s line said his wait was 5 hours, which was why I was so optimistic about my line of “only” 80 people.
• 11:01 - Realization that this relatively short line is not moving.
• 11:30 - Really wishing I’d brought a book.
• 11:45 - Started talking to guy next to me after mall cop makes him put away his camping chair: “NO SITTING!” Later the mall cops hassled an elderly guy for sitting on a small stool. They told people not to sit on the floor or even to squat for a quick stretch. Fascists.
• 11:50 - Guy next to me turns out to be awesome, a multimedia designer/programmer named Erik Loyer (see also: his hilarious take on the experience). For the next 5 hours he saves my sanity by talking tech and entertaining my ideas about which (s)pa(ce)triarch would win a bar fight: Admiral Adama or Captain Picard. (kidding, that kind of pillow talk is only appropriate for Fry’s runs, not Apple store solo missions).
• 12:00 - Realization that the line is getting shorter, but only due to attrition.
• 12:01-3:30pm - Waiting, punctuated by bathroom breaks, Mrs. Fields’ runs, mall cop harrassment, and occasional visits from Apple employees assuring us that they have adequate inventory of all iPhone models. Every time someone is escorted by Apple “blue shirts” into the store, applause erupts. The rate is about 1 person per 10 minutes, though sometimes they’ll admit 3 in rapid succession. Erik says “the Blue Shirt’s Call” is like “the Claw” from Toy Story. I say it’s more like “To Serve Man”.
• 3:35-3:40 - I’m now first in line, sweating. Irrational fear that they’ve run out of black 16GB units.
• 3:41 - Sweet release! Apple store associate Trevor shakes my hand and we start the process.

What the iPhone activation process is like (super fast if you plan ahead)

• Trevor is very apologetic about the terrible wait, but he’s glad that I stuck it out. I reply, “I’ve always had a good experience in Apple stores, I know it’s not your fault, it’s the activation process.” He thanks me for being understanding.
• He asks if I know what unit and plan I want, if I’m porting a number or if I’m already with AT&T, and if I have my social security number, credit card, and current provider account numbers. I say the only thing I’m not sure of is my T-mobile PIN, and he says it’s usually the web login password. I login to T-mobile on a MacPro to make sure that I know my password. Meanwhile Trevor goes to get my iPhone.
• Trevor first tries to gently upsell AppleCare and Me.com (no to both). Then he uses his handheld credit card reader/cash register to enter all my data. There are several steps where he confirms that I understand the terms and that I’m okay with $36 activation and other fees.
• While waiting for credit authorization I ask Trevor why the line takes so long per person. He says it’s because most people come in not knowing what unit and plan they want, or they don’t know their current cell account number, or they don’t know their email info, or they owe their current provider money. I’m also guessing that most people need me.com, Apple Care, and all the options explained in excruciating detail. I bet many activations take 30 minutes, and activation is clearly the reason for the terrible wait times. “AT&T’s stupid business model shouldn’t be my problem” kept running through my head.
• After the transaction, Trevor needs to plug my iPhone into a MacBook for authentication. He starts to unbox it, but I firmly say “I need to do that.” Trevor says “I can relate” so I open it, feel its heft, and take a picture of it with my now defunct RAZR. *sniffle* Goodbye RAZR. I won’t miss your dreadful text prediction, but you were a worthy phone for your time.
• Trevor asks for my email provider. I say “Gmail” so he has me log in to Gmail so he can enable the iPhone as my mail client. iPhone uses Gmail’s built in IMAP mail for syncing.
• Time elapsed: 10 minutes. I was so quick that I finished before customers that had gone in before me, so Erik was still in line and Trevor ended up taking care of him too.
• Oh, as I left the store, thunderous applause from the line as I held aloft my magic iPhone and said “By the power of Cupertino, I HAVE THE POWER!”
• Okay, I didn’t actually say that, but the applause was real, so I told the people in front what activation was like and how to make it faster, encouraging them to spread the word. Information about what was happening inside the store was very scarce, everyone who left with an iPhone was quizzed but they just wanted to get out as soon as possible to play with their new toy. The behavior reminded me of how monkeys make off with choice pieces of food so nobody can bother them.
• I hurry to my car, lock the doors, re-unbox the iPhone, fire up 3G Safari, then log my first iPhone tweet.

What Apple and AT&T should have done instead of this activation hell

• Let’s assume that in store activation was the only way to keep the gray market at bay. Fine whatever, but there’s no excuse for such a bad experience.
• I don’t really blame the customers for not having their paperwork together because making an expensive long term technology commitment is scary and requires hand holding.
• The blame lies with and Apple and AT&T. Their websites tout features but make it hard to find information on plans and terms. This stuff should be front and center instead of buried on att.com behind happy-talk sales pages.
• GeniusBar-style appointments wouldn’t work, there is too much variation in the time it takes to process each customer.
• I thought maybe having clerks text message people when they’re “up” would help but Apple probably doesn’t want people straying from the line where complex psychological sunk cost motivations compel them to stick it out.
• The best solution would be “pre-qualify via website”. You’d enter your information - including credit card number - at Apple.com, print out a confirmation number, and take it to the nearest store where you’re fast tracked to the unit that has been reserved for you. Of course, doing the whole thing at Amazon (sans $40 in sales tax and saving me the trip) would have been even better.